Codependent Love Meme: The Truth of Love and the Filthy Heart
Codependent Love Meme
There are plenty of codependent messages in the world and some of them will be showing up in your Facebook feed, on your Twitter and other social media. Some of these messages – in the form of images – may spiral into Memes.
Some websites are devoted to memes in general and nothing’s wrong with memes that I see. It’s a cultural thing and we can use Memes to connect in a succinct or clever way. I do especially like the Joker, Grumpy Cat, and Courage Wolf. I also like Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute memes. They’re funny to me.
But when I see Memes that seem to be ‘inspiration’ as to some ‘ultimate truth’ said by no one in particular but have a feeling of the false accompanying it, I cringe out.
If you see my Codie FB page, I will sometimes make my own counter-image; Which I would still not call a Meme because they don’t go viral or are hugely popular.
- Example #1 that was recently in response to a ‘better be alone than to be with the wrong person’ as it tells others that ‘i don’t think it is true that people are lonely when alone.’
- Example #2 is one in which I’d seen it one too many times; People trying to ‘positive-talk’ you into happiness by telling you to not complain once in 24 hours.
- Example #3 was just way too ironic to not re-meme on. I’m scrolling in my feed and I see a fat image of a TV telling me it tells me what to wear, think, love, fear…etc. And, of course I’m seeing it on the same monitor not unlike a television.
There’s more but you see where I’m going. So this brings me to the purpose of this post.
Horrific ‘Truth of Love Meme’
Yesterday I see an image (heretofore known as the Truth of Love Meme) on Facebook that has probably been the most disturbing definition of love I’ve seen get any fanfare. Normally I would just call it words but because it had bajillion Likes, Shares, and Comments, I suppose it could be classified as a Meme. Check it out:
“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.”
I couldn’t believe the people jumping on that. They were loving it! Were they reading it?
In trying to find the origin of this message, I found this wonderful article instead: The Memeing of Love and I encourage anyone to read this because it’s fast and complete.
The message of this alleged Truth of Love is one that I am quite familiar with and I love that Counseling Kevin talks about it as it relates to different types of love as well as these narcissistic sounding words.
I also love that the obvious “filthy heart” is addressed and that if we see nothing but a filthy heart, yes, the best act of love IS to jump ship.
It makes no sense to serve and stay with someone if I/you see nothing but a filthy heart so to defy jumping ship makes no sense.
And this is the heart of Codependent Recovery or Sanity.
Manipulating into Codependency
Now, as it relates to Codependency is what I am going to say a few words about, since the Codependent Recovery Facebook Page was where I was going to originally post the image until I decided I had more than a few words of my own to say about it.
Going with the theme above on a “filthy heart,” that sounds awfully Old Testament to me. And if this is your religion/belief that people are ultimately dirty and sinful, then despite your husband beating on you each night or your wife beating on you each night, then you may use religion as a way to justify staying. Your spouse has a filthy heart after-all or maybe it’s you who has a filthy heart and so you justify your deserving of abuse and mistreatment.
It’s addressed better (than I am going to talk about here) in the “Memeing of Love” but …. if I see nothing but horror in you – despite any Truth of it or not – according to this Truth of Love Meme, I need to ‘defy my impulse to jump ship.’
- So if I hate you, I stay.
- If you hate me, I stay.
- If you beat me I stay.
- If I beat you, I stay.
- If I gaslight you, I stay.
- If you gaslight me, I stay.
That is insanity.
From the one who desires for you to stay despite their unappealing, abusive, or relationship-harming behaviors, this is convenient.
Sanity is Not Insane and Neither is Love
The primary quality about Recovery from Insanity is replacing these paradigms that have caused us to remain in chaos and pain. The other quality that is so appealing is that you don’t ‘have’ to do anything.
I went to Al-Anon with no intention of leaving my partner. I really did go to simply learn tools to be happy and to deal with the conflicts and pain (we had) that persisted despite my sobriety. Had someone told me I would have to leave him or should leave him, I definitely would have left; The meetings, not him.
So that as I went further into certain books from the Codependent Recovery genre and began sensing a freedom beyond myself, in retrospect and due to my overwhelming joy and happiness of today, I see and now know that ‘jumping ship’ was precisely what I was supposed to do.
Of course, using language like ‘jumping ship’ is maybe supposed to evoke a sense of shame but people ‘jump ship’ because they want to live.
Love is Hard, Painful, Sacrifice?
Not for me. Love is the easiest, pain-free, and most fulfilling thing in the world to do. It feels good and natural.
I love cake. It’s natural. But I also have a problem with cake because I’m a sugar sensitive so I have to use some sense and balance.
I love my dogs. I have one who is challenging and I can play-shout in frustration at his hyperactivity. And I love him no less despite my annoyance at his jumping on me when I’m dressed up.
I love my partner. I love him and some of ‘his’ challenging quirks I also love. To be clear, his quirks do not challenge my love for him; It challenges my patience and that’s MINE to make friends with. I know for a fact I challenge HIS patience, too. I also equally know I am the love of his life and he couldn’t live with as much happiness in his world without me.
I love my Mom, my best friend, and all my friends in varying ways and degrees. And they have all challenged me in varying ways and degrees. But NOT because I do not love them, but precisely because I do AND because I am attached to them and desire to be.
Love is Choosing Service and Staying?
So the above Meme says “Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart.”
For a more palatable interpretation, I might say instead, ‘…in spite of their confused mind.’ Confused Minds can sometimes lead to chaotic or painful behaviors; Lashing act verbally (unintentionally) all the way to great acts of physical violence.
And sometimes the love is driven right out because the Mind has been conditioned or re-trained to (some may say, necessarily) fear or hate that person. In this case, to stay or remain may be self-preservation or Stockholm Syndrome. But to say that one should stay due to Love when there are no more Love Thoughts or Love Feelings or Love Actions is akin to an Abuser reading this to her Victim as a manipulative attempt at control.
Depending on severity is when someone might choose Love and actually Leave; Love for Self, Love for Life, Love for Their Spirit or Love for Freedom.
Love is the Easy.
Behaviors are the Challenge.
Conflating the Two is this Meme.
A Word on Memes
It’s ironic, too, because my Codependent Page was told a few days ago that it was committing ‘ultimate’ Codependency by its making of memes. Well, I had no time to explain to someone that Memes are an internet culture and with the rapid-pace of Facebooking, people don’t read but want an instant hit and so while in Rome I continue the making of my images trying, usually, to counter the mind-numbing nonsense that supports Codependent Paradigms. And I’d hardly call my little images Memes. I mean, a few have been circulated but nothing’s famous that I know of.
But with all that said, I love convergences.
Because in seeing the originally discussed Meme by way of its wild circulation and getting its likes and comments, I began seeing how this commenter to my Page may’ve been coming from this angle. Perhaps he sees the oversimplification of concepts and has become attached to the destruction of all things Memes. But that’s a different talk; Maybe one about his attachment to counter-reality.