Codependent on Codependency (or Codie People)

Submitted by on Tuesday, October 30, 2012No Comments

My Name is Samsara and I am Codependent on Codependents

It sounds funny, I know that. But in my process I have gotten increasingly deeper in my layers of shit. Yes this road is narrow but the rewards are wide and is why I continue. So take this as my confession: Over the past 5 years it’s had to hit me in the head but here I am; Addicted to my desire for Codependents to NOT being Codependent. [Or being addicted to the desire of codies understanding there is a way to not be codie anymore.]

My Version of Codependency in Action

Last week I found myself annoyed, angry, blaming, and with hurt feelings.

Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps

Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps

A group of friends and I – 4 people total –  had committed to a Codependent book study, and the third meeting day on the third week was a mess. I desired a reschedule on that 3rd week which worked out for two others who could not have made it that original day anyway. Rescheduled for a different day – which all agreed would work – only to find out on Wednesday that one could not make it. Determined to sally forth, another one cancels a few hours before the meeting.

Before I know it, I am annoyed and escalate right on to angry.

Who needs this recovery?

THEN [as anger does] I begin the mental process of blaming them with thoughts like, “They just don’t want to recover.” or “They think this is a joke.” or “And they’re the ONES who NEED this!” (I really loved the irony of this one and if you do not know why, here is why: This is exactly what Codependent Recovery strives to ‘cure’ the codependent from: Thinking we know what’s even ‘best’ for others or situations so that WE feel better.)

And beneath all that, the Truth was closer to the fact I had hurt feelings because – in my ego mind – they were stumbling blocks preventing MY desire from being fulfilled.

If blaming/shaming/condemning external occurrences is ‘normal’ in your life or is the paradigm you currently operate from  and you also desire to seek peace and happiness I’d love to share my Byron Katie in Action blog with you. She is a master at jump-starting the peace and sanity in this area.

Lack of Condemnation + Compassion = Recovery/Sanity

Having a compassionate friend in recovery helped me to realize what I was doing to myself when she availed herself to kindly let me bemoan, blame, and cast judgments. She listened attentively. She looked for where I was right. She let my ego mind scream and get it out. [“Better out than in is what I always say.”] She was, in a word, a perfect friend; a perfect mirror.

Believe me, this is an art form; Not every person in the world can listen to you go a little crazy without needing to judge or fix you and this is another side effect of Codependency Recovery and/or being an HSP. [This friend happens to be both.]

HSP & Recovery Alert

And this is not to say there is not a place or a time to point out things you see or that one is operating from ego or dis-ease.

  1. It’s okay to not ‘just listen’ when, for example, they’re chemically altered.
  2. If a person is in a heightened state of frenzy you can suggest -for example – they breathe.
  3. If the person asks for insight, help, or assistance.
  4. If you are being harmed you can interrupt, ask for clarification, or detach.
  5. If others (in a group for example) are being harmed, disrupted, belittled, etc.

Her Reflection Allowed Me to See the Truth

She must have been the perfect mirror because in less than two hours I felt a sense of calm when the magic of Truth settled in.

It washed over me like a blanket of loving sanity: “Take Care of Yourself.” I realized I had empowered a situation and had empowered people to control my recovery. 

In Truth, what had their crime been? They had only done what Codependent Recovery has taught me and countless others to do: “Take care of yourself.” and “Do not be responsible for others’ feelings.” and “Do not extend yourself – at the cost of your ‘self’ – to please others.”

The Crazy-Making Elements Leading Up to This

What I also realized at this time that for the past three weeks – since we began these meetings – I had already been involved in setting up a system that made me responsible for things I had no business being responsible for:

  1. The meetings were my idea so I felt responsible for making sure to send out messages asking if everyone would be coming.
  2. I founded these meetings – not for myself – but for the specific benefit of the two friends who cancelled on the 3rd week.
  3. I got more attached to their recovery than my own.
  4. I was discounting my own desire for this Codependent Book Study – too worried about theirs.
  5. Judging their level of desire as being less than mine, I felt like I was forcing it on them.

My Version of Codependent Recovery in Action

As soon as the Peace and Truth settled upon my Spirit – I credit that with letting the ego scream, which I do – I knew exactly what I needed to do to take care of me. So I called my friend a couple days later and told her my revelations:

  1. For all I know, the Universal Spirit [see Manifesting Reality] wanted ME to get back into the Codependent study [Evinced by my recent upset.] and so I ‘made’ these meetings thinking I was doing it for them – but really could have been for me. [And I love it when God uses my ‘personality quirks’ to manifest my own help; Nothing is off limits in the metaphysical realm.]
  2. I am going to quit sending out messages to ‘make sure’ those friends will attend. (They know when/where it is and if they do not, they can ask.)
  3. I will be ready and available and present for the meeting day and time.
  4. The 2nd friend – who co-chairs it with me – will be present so the worst thing to happen, we’re doing it together.
  5. I was reminded, once again, It Is All About Me. It’s ALWAYS about getting back to me. It starts and ends with me. [And for you, it’s all about you. It’s ALWAYS about getting back to you. It starts and ends with you.] 

Thich Nhat Hanh - Get Back to Oneself

Starts and Ends for Whom ‘It’ Originates

This is a fundamental Truth every time, that when we feel discord, pain, emptiness, anger, sadness and even happiness, peace, harmony, or fulfillment, it is always originating within us. It’s easier to understand & believe when it’s phrased that way isn’t it? Of course it’s originating within us; We’re the individuals feeling it, right? Well, good then. This is the beginning of disillusioning.

From Eastern Philosophies (like Buddhism) to Codie Recovery to Metaphysics …it’s never about others or another person no matter how much all evidence is suggesting it to be so. Yes, it is true, our world has been training us to think/believe/understand that it’s the outside world that influences our inside. Admittedly, however, it did not need much help.

But in the Beginning…There Was the Physical World…

We cried when we were babies when we were hungry and waited for the ‘outside’ to come feed us. And it did. We cried when we’re sitting in ‘stuff’ and waited for the ‘outside’ to make it dry for us again. And it did. We skinned our knees as toddlers or got sick with fever and waited for the ‘outside’ to come in, swoop us up and make it feel better.  And it did. And this was appropriate. It kept our little bodies alive.

And then we grew and learned language and that words were symbols that conveyed information. And we developed experiences – in past time – that we could remember with our brains. So we attached terms to them, labels to them, and we learned to call them forth in remembrance. And this was good. This, too, kept us alive, in remembering to not walk out in the street without looking both ways. It kept us alive by understanding that the pain in our stomachs meant hunger and hunger meant to find food. It kept us alive by not trusting the red flame.

And Then…The Internal World…

But as we grew into ourselves – not body, but awareness of our ‘selves’ – something funny did not happen along the way; No one was around to teach us that we [Insides/Internal] were ours. With various messages, ideas, social and political movements and laws we grew into understanding that our bodies [Outsides/External] were ‘ours’ – which isn’t even the Truth; At best, we’re Captains and at worst, some people are still physically enslaved, molested, abused – but nothing was said about our US (the one who resides INSIDE the body).

As a result of this and other reinforcements too enumerable to discuss here, this helped with our identification with the body as ‘us.’  And we [inside] are not our bodies [outside].

And Then…The Confusion is Born

So that when our insides hurt, we continued to do what we did as babies and children; We either looked for the OUTSIDE to stop the pain or we looked for the OUTSIDE to come ‘fix’ us. We blame people for ‘making us’ unhappy or for not keeping us happy. Now that we know language, we ‘cry’ by blaming, shaming, threatening, insulting… We’re in adult bodies with child-like “it’s your job to make me safe, happy, and well” behaviors and beliefs that are no longer appropriate in becoming the fulfilled human being we all desire ‘being.’

But we’re doing our [child-like] best when we reach for more alcohol, sugar, food, another casual sexual encounter, another person, more money, more activity, more Facebooking, more this and more that. More. More. More. We’re still doing our best by getting another doctor prescription or taking another hit or snort. We’re angry, sad, suffering, empty… and we’re doing our level best to NOT BE so we look toward more outside solutions to kill the emptiness on the inside or, at least, to keep it numbed out a little.

codependent is looking toward the outside for our fix when we could just learn to be here, now, despite the external

This is the world today in its typical manifestation. And its symptoms – just to keep it under a nice umbrella – are Codependent.

Potential Solutions to this Fundamental Problem

The solution is easy: Get back to yourself. Get to YOU.

But, as with all things in life, there are different ways of going about this and better ways according to current path, experience, your degree of openness or even where you currently are – which is where I always suggest you start. [It’s quite impossible to start anywhere else.] So I’ll suggest what worked for me according to what path I was on and where I was at different times.

  1. First I quit waiting for ‘the world’ (as I saw it)  to change and got sober via A.A. (Then the world changed.)
  2. I read the Four Agreements and understood them. (Beginning of the end; I’d never see the world the same.)
  3. Got into Codie Recovery after I saw it’d expounded on Four Agreements. (Gave me tools for dealing with ‘Earth.’)
  4. Was reaffirmed on a deeper level that Internal -> External [not vice versa] via Sermon on the Mount. (This was/is heaven!)
  5. Discovered Byron Katie – who helped with traumas I couldn’t resolve via Codie Recovery alone. (Heaven on Earth!)
  6. Found Gangaji – who enabled me to go deeper.

Codependent Recovery Facebook Page

Codie Recovery Facebook Page

“Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.”  ~ Thich Nhat Hanh


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