Controlling Codependent Bitch

Submitted by on Thursday, March 29, 20072 Comments

Controlling codependent bitch” is the term that would have someone visiting my “Quit Punishing Me” article this evening. Reading the article again, ever mindful of the search term used to reach it, I was reminded how insidious and damaging controlling behavior is.

Quit Punishing Me was an article I’d written in the middle of a confusing, sad, lonely time in my life; Trying to adjust to a new relationship and establish new boundaries while attempting to grieve a loss of a past relationship and family. What I did not need were emotionally controlling people or their controlling nature’s exploiting me or my grief. I’ve been through too much recovery and have written and journaled and discovered too much about myself to let myself landslide back into that abyss of self-hate when I allow another person autonomy over me or my feelings.

Tonight the timing would be perfect that I would happen to check the keyword logs because often I don’t. Some of the phrases people use to get here break my heart but most are constant reminders that as long as people co-exist in human form, so too will apparently a need to heal ourselves.

“Harming Me to Teach Me a Lesson”

Speaking of healing myself. Why I wasn’t thinking clearly is because tonight, on the internet, in a game, and in a community I am involved in, someone tried to “teach me a lesson.” I haven’t felt so emotionally sick from controlling behavior for a while now that I could not believe what I was reading; this message. This person explained the reason he harmed me was due to “teaching me a lesson.” It was because I had done a thing in a way he did not like. It’s not that he harmed me and that’s what made me sick. What made me sick was that he harmed me and then, attempting a typical control-freak psychological manipulation, tried to justify it.

Voice of Knowledge is the Voice that Attempts to Make Sense of our StoryJustification: When we have to justify something it is because we’re trying to intellectualize something we know in our spirit to be inauthentic. We are living without integrity but because that truth is a bitter pill, we use our brains [Our Voice of Knowledge] to have things make sense; To reconcile our actions with our Spirits; To excuse ourselves from spiritually inexcusable behavior. It’s the ego’s way of keeping us center of the world and doing no wrong because remember, the ego’s job is to protect us at all costs. The larger the ego, the less one is “wrong” and the more “justification” is needed.

Not that inquiring of a person’s motives or intentions is the reason to refrain from “teaching lessons” or “attempting manipulation or control of another person’s actions”, because control, manipulation, or teaching lessons is a lower energy all by itself, but often if we can glean the motives or intentions of a person we may see their truth and their truth will usually not be provoking us into the God-like task of “teaching lessons.” [The mentally or emotionally deranged; the severest of controlling and codependent personalities excluded.]

Teaching Lessons, Controlling, or Manipulating: The problem when entering into the God area is that one has then assumed to be greater than the other. One has also assumed that the other is in need of changing. Further than that, one has then designated oneself to be the one who will change the other. S/He will fix, manage, or control you until you change or? s/he goes crazy. What usually happens, if the relationship endures despite issues of controlling behavior is that the one attempting control becomes embittered, insane, psycho, “bitch” and yes, crazy …and addicted to his illusion of control. The illusion continues to elude them, and like a junkie, quick to get their next fix, they delve further and further into the pit of insanity always forever trying to control more and more things around them. But like Dr. Phil would say, because there is a pay-off of some sort, they continue.

The pay off, at least with the controlling people in my life is that A.) I usually stayed engaged in the relationship and B.) I got better at hiding the things the person tried “controlling” out of me. These days, however, I have learned terms like detachment and I employ detachment liberally; emotionally and physically. I also no longer hide the things a person has tried to control out of me. To do this would be disingenuous to my spirit and I am choosing integrity these days – even if in my integrity I make a mistake. Yes; I have given myself liberal permission, too, to make mistakes. [Control freaks REALLY hate that!]

So when it’s a stranger you don’t know, inflicting harm upon you – intentionally – and adding insult to the already smarting injury, follows up with complete frontal knowledge of his attack, explains amid his justifications that if you do it such and such a way the next time, you will not get into further trouble with him. How would you handle that?

Here’s How I Handled that

Fortunately for me, and unknowing to him, the lesson he would be teaching would be of a higher purpose than the plan I imagine he set out to accomplish. The lesson in this for me was: After learning everything I have learned and practiced regarding “Shame, Blame, Manipulation” and the personalities that invoke them in the name of control, can I now take the test and pass? Have I learned the lesson that God wants me to learn?

Although I said earlier that if others were to inquire first, of our motives or intentions, this could often extinguish the human nature so many people possess of “wanting to get even,” or “teach a lesson,” but when it passes that point and a person has seemingly assumed the worst in your nature or else they are beyond hope and could not care less – those being the extreme versions of self-centeredness and self-will run riot – then what? You thank them. Of course.

I Thanked Him for Teaching me a Lesson & for Being Nice

I’ve often said that “my truth doesn’t need a defense and a lie doesn’t deserve one” [Justification] but in this case, a total stranger…I was in unknown territory…and the callousness and self-righteousness sound of it all. So after pausing – because I was agitated, I consulted with the light within and finally responded by thanking him for teaching me a lesson. So yet another note followed soon after with many words of explanation, justification, and the phrase that he was just “trying to be nice” and many others would have “pounded me” worse. That he, in fact, had done me a great service.

Thank you for being nice to me. I have [done this numerous times] and have never been pounded as you say. You’re the first who has taught me a lesson and have been nice to me. Thanks again.

Then He Sent Me Points and Bonuses for the Game

I suppose my lesson was then successfully learned. I have met this person time and time again in my life but I have, since, developed a manner of living that doesn’t require interacting with people like this so I was a bit shaken. In the world I live in, these days, people are trying to not be controlling; In the least, most of them are aware when the monster begins to rear its head. To see it so effacingly full force was disconcerting. It told me that controlling behaviors are still running rampant, being spread and fed by the people like us who have been trained to have fear from those personalities who use those behaviors.

But not me. Not Today. And probably not tomorrow.

Codependent Healing - Samsara's Compilation of Books for Codependent Healing



  • celiece said:

    these are the words i have been searching for. my soul, my wounded heart. well, on it’s way to healing now.


  • bill said:

    this is an excellent post. thank you for sharing the wisdom you have gained.

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