My Two Year Karmic Manifesto :: HSP + EBV 2007 Remix

Submitted by on Tuesday, March 6, 2007One Comment

Karma Manifestation of 2007

Past events haunted me to the point again this year I would re-activate illness and nightmares. Karma isn’t a New-Age philosophy. Karma is a Law. It’s neither good or bad but complete justice. However, an imposed punishment of Karma, I believe, is absolutely possible because I believe it can be interrupted. I am not currently interrupting it in this article; I am tortured by it.

End of July 2004: My Mimi would pass away. I’d be married the next day.

March 04 2005 would be the day I would need and have friends over at my house from a pain that left me with it coming out both ends. The Doctor would give me narcotics prescription and an anti-throw up prescription and due to the eventually extreme pain, my friend would fill the narcotic prescription.

March 05 2005 would be the night I would not go back home to my husband or my family. [Molly (d), Naji(c), Bridget(c), Carmen (c), Kingston (c) and “the fish.”] At the same time it would be the evening that later I would question as the night that changed my life. It would be the night I took a hard left instead of a right.

End of July 2005: Sickness, pain and high fevers. Desiring death.

Patterns Emerge – If not Dealt with Will Return

So on March 05 2007 when I surprised my beloved in telling him I was hitting the sack at 9:30 pm due to exhaustion I knew there was something to it. In bed I recounted where I would be at 9:30pm on March 05 2005.

Sitting at a table at a local establishment, several friends, me, and my future beloved…

My husband had been in anger that night. Knowing I was so sick the day before and then for me to not be at home when he got there I guess I could understand why he was so angry. But this angry? I’m tired of his being angry. But I am sick right now. Right now, why can’t he just stop?

“Stay with us,” my friend said. Inside I knew I didn’t want to. Inside I knew if I did that that his anger would increase or that it would end up affecting my life and probably not in a well way for me. They all think I’m scared of him, I thought. Do they think he would hit me? I laughed inside. My husband would never hit me but yes, I imagined, his anger was dangerous for me. Why can’t some people ever get that angry speech and yelling can be awful all by itself? Why do some have to assume that the next point, if taken, would be the final straw? I thought these things and sniggered to myself.

I am still sick and have the pain that caused all the drama but at least the narcotics were helping with that. “You could just stay long enough for him to cool down,” she said. “That’s a lie,” I remember thinking. These people want me away from him so bad. “He’s not going to hit me!” I finally said. Silence. Silence. Silence.

Beloved is the first one to speak, “Do you think if you went back tonight that it would be peaceful enough for you to be able to heal?” My head screamed, “Hell no! He’d yell at me all night or I’d have to lie and placate him and tell him I wasn’t with you and make up a reason why I felt it was okay for me to get some fresh air today…” so I said, “I doubt it…”

Around 10:00pm or close to it, my female friend and I would caravan to my house to pack some things. At this point I wasn’t really thinking. He says he wants to talk to me. I remember thinking I wanted to talk to him too. My friend said, “Leave her alone.” My heart broke. I saw his face. She didn’t need to interfere. “Be nice to him!” I screamed in my head. “His entire world and mine too is about to shift!” I looked at him thinking, “Of course I love you. Don’t you know I’m fucked up right now? If you could just leave this alone – “

So in this whirlwind of chaos and confusion…my heart breaking on my husband’s behalf. Knowing I needed to heal. My heart breaking knowing I was about to change both our lives. My heart breaking on my own behalf. Feeling outnumbered and out-clarified [due to the narcotics I am now positive] and still physically ill, this would be the night I would replay over and over but still not looking at it until today. This moment. Tuesday March 06 2007 @ 6:24 am ET.

ReTurning – ReFeeling – ReMembering – Cellular Memory – Circular

Following summarized from my “HSP+EBV 2007 Remix” originally written March 04 2007

Early March 2007 and I’ve been getting sick again. Since I believe in cellular memory and have, myself, experienced re-developments of time repeating experiences, I pulled out my old journals and organizers. For example, why would I have gone to bed at 9:30pm last night if not to try to somehow interrupt [on behalf of 2005’s] March 05 2005 episode?

Why would now I be getting so familiarly sick again with the same symptomology as July 2005’s illness which had me in the middle of my pending divorce?and regret of March 05th’s events? In fact, I could say I’d become critically ill at the end of July 2005 because that would have been the anniversary date [end of July 2004] of my marriage and my Mimi’s passing. In fact, the nightmares coupled with the fevers would say exactly right. [Another reason why I started an episodic section on Dreams; To help ME deal with things.]

I’d Even Blogged About It Thinking I was Going to Die

The last time I wrote about being?in the middle of that sickness and then it being discovered during the course of my treatment [read: attempting diagnosis] I had Epstein-Barr, [EBV] it would be the end of July – August 2005. It turns out that during this time I had many things wrong with me, the Doctors were baffled. I would later write the article entitled: “Manifesting Self-Illness.”

Highly Sensitive Person or Universal Karmic Law?

My pending divorce wasn’t helping. I am an HSP you understand, and that means highly prone to empathic feelings and re-feeling with great acumen yearly events or the anniversary or other certain circular periods of particularly memorable or painful events.

A while ago, something happened that affected me deeply between the hours of 5:00 – 7:00pm. For weeks I didn’t understand why I began feeling depressed and extremely sad around the same time every day. When I discovered I was HSP it then made sense. Until I reconciled the “trauma” I was like a ghost in movies refeeling the same “injury” [bleak emotions] over and over at a particular time.

Read more articles about being a Highly Sensitive Person

March 2007 ReFeeling the Karmic Manifesto of My Life

Still not reconciled. Getting sick again. Nightmares. I feel so not together right now. I’m misspelling my posts and comments. I’m sweating and feverish. Chills. Lethargic. Anti-Social. Feeling dejected and thinking I need to quit remembering this stuff. I wish there was a forget pill like on the Matrix. Can I return to the lie? Am I in the lie? What the hell?

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One Comment »

  • Shawn said:

    Hey Samsara,
    Memories of past events come up to give us an opportunity to forgive. They are just JAFO – Just A Forgiveness Opportunity! The ego would have you believe they are events you must live with or feel guilty about. But, to the Higher Self (or Holy Spirit) they are just events that have no more importance than a minor event or a present event. Ultimately, this is all just a dream – an illusion. It seems real because the ego must have us believe it’s real in order for it’s own existence. The Higher Self knows better and therefore just asks that you forgive what you think happened or happened to you. You will see that once you forgive, that event no longer has any power because you no longer feed any emotions to it. “A Course in Miracles” really helped me to understand how powerful forgiveness is.
    I wish you the best!

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