Manifesting Self-Illness and Reflections on Karma

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A Highly Sensitive Person’s Manifesting of Karma

Reflections of my Return to Samsara and Descent into HellWhen Jesus said “You reap what you sow,” he was expressing the natural law of Karma, namely, that what you ‘plant’ you will ‘grow;’ What I send out, I will receive back. If I plant pumpkin seeds and am surprised that pumpkins grow that would hardly make sense. Metaphorically and also metaphysically, in the following story that is the perfect culmination of Living Samsara, I planted some seeds and received the fruit. And the fruit was hell.

People, however, think Karma is ‘bad’ when it is not. Karma is just karma, much like there is no such thing as being a ‘bad’ black or a ‘good’ white combining to make a neutral grey. Black is just black while white is, you know, white. BUT being people attached to stories we ascribe ‘good and bad’ to situations and so that when we get our ‘white Karma’, we don’t notice as much as when we get our ‘black Karma’ which is why we’ll often hear the avenging phrase, “I hope they get their Karma!” And, furthermore, if one is following the Christ message a la Metaphysical Christianity or Scientific Christianity or Gnostic Christianity, as explained by Sermon on the Mount one can rise above their Karma because s/he is now operating from a higher realm.

In my particular situation, the Karma I would be receiving would be because I left the higher realm – I chose my ego over spirit and that means I began my descent to Hell a la Cycle of Samsara. I left my Spiritual Path and came back to this realm of the material, with the fruit manifesting physical illness and emotional upset all over my body and mind as I ignored my Spiritual Truth for the sake of codependently ‘listening to people in this world.’ Which has always been my downfall (a personal samskara) and is why I now love to spread the message of Codie Recovery. I am beginning to think all HSP‘s may benefit from it.

“According to yogic philosophy, we’re born with a karmic inheritance of mental and emotional patterns—known as samskaras—through which we cycle over and over again during our lives. (…) In addition to being generalized patterns, samskaras are individual impressions, ideas, or actions; taken together, our samskaras make up our conditioning. Repeating samskaras reinforces them, creating a groove that is difficult to resist.” ~ Understanding Samskaras in Order to Break Free by Bo Forbes

Reflections of Moments Indicating a Return to Samsara

May 23, 2005 would be the first day I would start working in a career type atmosphere. Actually, this day was orientation. And since I was also in the middle of a divorce (from a marriage I said okay to based in fear, which I’ll delve into), I was excited on my new journey. Though I surely had emotions over our separation, just as Molly and NajiI would grieve my animals, it would be my pets I would miss; we’d raised Naji and Molly together for over 7 years. I was grieving this silently as I embarked on this brand new journey with my Soulmate and a new career.

Tears on the First Day

In orientation of the new batch of us who would later call this place our employer, I was in tears before the day was over, trying hard not to let this woman see the tear drip from my cheek as it landed on my brand new peach blouse leaving a wet mark. I’m a woman in my thirties and it wasn’t her business to know my personal life so when she asked in front of everyone, “Are you having trouble?” I said I was. What she didn’t know was that not only was it hard for me to write my “maiden-married” name on the papers, but that it would be the first time I ever would as well as the last. That wasn’t what made me drop tears.

What made me drop tears was when she came over and snatched the paper I was working on from me and, in true treating me like a moron fashion, with deliberate motion, found the page “everyone else” was on and exaggeratedly put it in front of me as if to say “O.k.a.y. S.l.o.w. P.e.r.s.o.n.” The already welling tears had found their excuse and I remember forcing them to not drip. But the rim can only hold so many and there one went.

I should have taken this first day as a sign

But I didn’t. I had to pull in the forces and practice everything I’d learned up until that 23rd day of May 2005. I’d asked a new friend in class if she was coming back the next day and she said “Yes, aren’t you?” I told her how Connie had made me feel and really wanted to check out my perception with my friend with some follow up questions but before I could, she went right into it. She couldn’t believe how Connie had humiliated me she said. She was quick to say that Connie must be a sad woman to do that to someone. This other girl and I were fast friends, especially given that she had validated my perception as what she, too, had seen. With my new ally in my heart, as well as the pep talk that this woman was only Human Resources and that I’d probably not have to see her again, I gave it a try and went back.

4th Day of the Beginning of my Hell

4 Days Later Friday May 27th I’d begin feeling pain when I went to the bathroom. I toughed it out, not knowing what it was…thinking it would pass as it was only a tingling. I intuitively knew something was wrong but, never having experienced it before, I did not know what. We were let out of training early that day so I was able to meet my beloved at a 12 Step Meeting. By the end of that meeting he was insisting we go to the E.R. because he stressed it would ruin my weekend and I may miss work Tuesday…since it was Memorial Day Monday.

I was glad I listened to him because during the three hour wait for the stinking E.R. attention, the physical pain and eventual fear I would experience was unlike any other I’d ever had.

Hell

Razor Blades and Blood

I began urinating (peeing) blood. It felt like I was peeing razor blades. When I saw the blood coming from my ‘that place’ into the toilet, the fear was unbelievable. I had never in my life had anything even remotely close to this sort of panic overwhelm me. Big surprise I start crying into his chest after that bathroom trip. The pain had become so severe and coupled with now the blood…Tripled by my fear of perverted male doctors (trauma violations) and knowing I would not let one look in my area…I saw no way out of this situation with my being okay.

Thankfully and also strangely, my E.R. doctor turned out to be a previously close friend who did not even hint he’d need to look ‘down there.’ (He was more interested in catching up and my relief allowed me to relax and tell him what’d been going on in my life.) He said I had a kidney infection, gave me some antibiotic, a urinary tract medicine that was supposed to numb the pain and a script for Vicodin. I figured I could do without the Vicodin since I had this numbing medicine so I threw away the prescription. Wished later I would have kept it for emotional relief and no, I’m not kidding. Keep reading.

Add a Dash of Small Town Divorce

As Husband’s Property, A Wife’s Desire to Leave Means She’s Either Crazy or Evil

As I am healing from this thing diagnosed as ‘Pylonephritis’ I would meet with my soon to be ex-husband to make an amicable division of property during the separation. He wasn’t being unreasonable and neither was I. Problem is that everyone else around me seemed to think he owed me this and he owed me that. But since I did not want anything but the divorce I went in without an attorney, thinking he’d not actually let his attorney be a classic ‘divorce attorney.’ Well, the attorney WAS the typical grease-ball divorce attorney from TV, and despite promises from my ex to fix it, I got my own. (One of the problems my ex and I had had over the years were his promises that always were well-intentioned but often ended there.)  So great. In order to preserve my most basic desires – like keeping at least some of my furniture, despite my having bought all of it – I’ve just started an unintended war.

The problem, here, is, I don’t do war. I don’t like it and I’ve never been good at it.

Mix in Degrading Health that Doctors Cannot Explain

Month later It’s all kind of a blur after this point. I got medical insurance after a month of being at this employ, and so made an appointment with a regular doctor for a physical because it felt as if ‘pylonephritis’ was returning. Must have been at the end of June sometime. She gave me a woman exam, examined my urine and nothing. She took my blood and sent it to labs after finding no mono or anything else. But I was tired and run down and it was beginning to tingle when I tee-teed again. Week or so later I get the notification I have Epstein Barr. It would be due to this notification and clean results otherwise that I would ignore what could have killed me. [I already knew I had EBV; but had never been tested. HSP knew but still, it was nice to get validated on this point.]

Add Some Death of my Naji

My attorney served papers on my husband and he called and called. I didn’t answer because I was still mad over the lies and exaggerations of his attorney. A few weeks later I called him. I’d been having bad dreams about his welfare and had been missing my babies (Molly and Naji and two generations of Naji’s) so terribly. He tells me with a lump in his throat that Naji has passed Naji enjoys her basket while surveying her kingdomaway. He won’t tell me how and I know it’s because he wants to spare me.

Although I almost begged him to tell me how, (which, in retrospect, must have been a reflexive human action because I can’t understand the point of the ‘how’ except to torture myself with guilt even further.) I could tell he was fighting with himself to not. In retrospect I get that I wanted to know so I could suffer some more.  I was almost as far into hell as I could go in my cycle (of this Samsara) but I guess I wanted the very pit of it at this point.

Naji had never known another Mom and we’d been together for 9 years (longer than me and my ex) since the time she was 2 months old. I adopted her from the Humane Society in May 1996. I can’t help but think her heart was broken when she figured out I’d left for good. [I’d go to my parents each year for 4 – 6 weeks and leave her in the care of ‘her dad’ but this time I think she felt my spirit leave.] I’d asked my ex for a custody arrangement where we could set up visitation or joint but during this time, it was too painful for me to continue the negotiation, emotionally. I was just trying to survive.

As wrong as this sounds to ‘earth people’, I’m glad she passed away. My sister phrased it so sweetly, which is why I look at it this way: “Awwww. You know why she died right? She had to be with you.” I feel better knowing she is now safe. As kind and caring as my ex is with the babies, they seem to need more than he has the energy to give whereas I seemed to have needed them as much as they needed me. Before I found out Naji passed away, my heart ached every single day imagining her confusion over why I was not home. Molly, too…But Molly, her dad, and I were a triad; She’d be just fine with her dad. Naji was not her dad’s. Naji was mine and I was hers. It’s STILL true. :)

And More Degrading Health Now with Dangerous Fevers

Still Ignoring the Signs calls for Extreme Karma

Another Month Later Around the middle of July I’d begin running a higher than usual fever. Then my lower left back began to ache full time. Still attributing it to Epstein Barr Virus I paid no attention to it until I started spiking a fever while at work.

It would be the first time – in this new and first full time employment – I would not get a full day of work in. So from May 23 to mid-July, I was still working, suffering physically and emotionally and mentally. And yet I continued. I was exhausted every single day and still grieving the separation from my ex and animals. Meantime, my new relationship had not yet found its legs. Based on his expectations of me and the fighting that would result in my trying to keep from losing myself through it all, I really was suffering a death of Spirit.

My body was hanging in there, but barely.

Bake at Hell’s Temperature

Cellular Memory, Karma, Manifesting, Wish for Death

MimiJuly 2005. A year earlier July [July 30th, 2004] is when my Mimi would pass away and the 31st is when my husband and I had signed papers declaring partnership in the eyes of the government. Some people call that marriage but it wasn’t.

We’d been together 7 years and were already partnered. But in signing this paper, it was a concession to a kind of slavery. Due to the one person I could count on for honesty, authenticity, and love; who had helped me in no matter my life situations, who had loved me, fought me, and inspired me most was on her death-bed, I was fearing a loss of my self, our memories and shared history. I was staring into the void of aloneness.

So, yes, I signed the Paper of Tetherment Agreement. And I was wearing black, that I didn’t notice at the time as being any outward manifestation of metaphysical fortune-telling.

The day after was when her funeral was held. I used to joke that she died because she couldn’t bear to miss it (the marriage) – due to her being in a facility at that point. But I would also tell the joke that she had to die so she could miss it. But maybe the truth was that I wanted to ease her mind in thinking I was growing up. I was sober after all, and was supposed to be making mature life choices and in this smallish Bible-Belt town that meant marriage.

So a year later, at the end of July 2005, with the fevers and chills and sickness it occurs to me that spiritually or mentally, I cannot continue on with this divorce in the manner other people would have me do. “It’s literally killing me,” I would reflect. My body is suffering and I’m dying. Re-feeling of extreme anniversaries are famous for me. If I’m feeling off-center for no reason, reflect back in a journal entry and there I’ll see it.

Sprinkle with Impressed Memory & Physical Pain

July 30th – 31st, I remember waking up in a chill on the 1st anniversary of Mimi’s death with sweat all over me and in soaked bedsheets. I wake up my Beloved and I’m crying with real tears from a nightmare…“Mimi died. Mimi died.” I was delirious with fever or the breaking of it and the heartbreak of her death was real. Then the double edged sword thought: “…and the marriage that never should have been.” Because I’m in a war of a divorce that shouldn’t be.

This, of course, then had me re-feeling the separation, the loss of my animals, the death of Naji, the wishes for death to take me…Shortly after, I’m on the phone with my Mom, my sponsor, and also telling my Beloved that I couldn’t keep fighting. I could not fight this sickness. I could not fight in a divorce. I could not fight. I was going to die. Most of me was also wishing for it. I could go to where Naji went and where Mimi went and where my Dad went. The body pain and the karma in this life would end. I’d worry about the next life later.

I’d told my Beloved to let me go – that if he did I’d see him in the next life. I was not being dramatic even if I was being a little intentionally silly. If I did not take ibuprofin or tylenol every four hours, my fever would get to 103 up to 104.2. I had pain when I walked. I could only stay up a couple of hours at the time. I was getting so much worse.

Dying to Meet the Parents

July 30th or 31st, my beloved thought it would be a great idea for his parents to come for a visit to finally meet me. Yes, while I’m trying to die with a semblance of dignity (tongue in cheek) he is desiring for me to introduce myself. I’d been bedridden for over a week at this point, delirious, dizzy, clockwork fevers, still-tingling ‘down there,’ random and unprovoked vomiting, and now my entire mid and lower back organs are aching to the point I can not stand vertical for longer than 2 hours. I remember, from the bed, watching him clean the house up really not believing he is expecting me to ego facade not just health but hostess. I’m not even sure if I managed to shower.

Yes, I’d put on a brave face in meeting his parents. At the same time, I hated him with such a fiery passion, that I’m sure enabled my physical quickening toward the grave.

August Doctors Discover Nothing

Few days after that [August] is when I’d make two doctor visits in one day when the Nurse Practitioner told me not to take the ibuprofen and tylenol. SO that when I get back home I am up to 104.2 I think within 3 hours. Beloved calls them raising hell. They want me to come back in (of course, now that my brain is boiling and walking is even more a hardship)… BOTH times in going to the doctor, I’m laying horizontal in the vehicles of respective friends who would take me. The second time, I ended up laying in the chairs after arriving back at the Urgent Care.

At least I see a Doctor this time. She gave me, without haste, an antibiotic, anti-parasitic, and anti-viral. Again more blood drawn; Another female exam and a shot in my buttocks. I was so delirious at this point I kept telling her it must be the EBV. She assured me that EBV would not be causing these symptoms. White cell count through the roof and no visible means of what the heck was wrong with me except little bacteria which could have led to Pelvic Inflammatory this different Dr. said. As it turned out all my blood results were clean. (What?!?)

She was thorough, gave me every kind of medicine in the book to keep me from dying. I got to feeling better quite rapidly and in time to enjoy my birthday party, which was August 09th. I returned to work after two weeks or so of being out…and being so grateful to be alive and not sick, a spring in my step until…

October Doctors Discover E. Coli

Mid October and fever and pain again. Back to the doctor and another urine dip. Call with results one late Saturday night to tell me they called in a drug for me. E. Coli. I think I had it the entire time but they were treating symptomatically when they could and is why I was battling it since May. I think it was attacking my organs but God wasn’t letting me die and no one was finding it as the root cause. It really was the most bizarre episode of my life.

Mom asked, “How did you get E. Coli?” I said, “Kinky sex.” But I don’t really know. I know that E. Coli can lead to UTI’s (Urinary Tract Infections, Pylonephritis) and that E. Coli is found in fecal matter as well as your raw hamburgers and, more recently, apparently in the bagged baby spinach and peanut butter (that was re-called not far from that time period) I was so fond of buying.

So after an antibiotic called Cipro, I quickly get back to 100% and hadn’t been here so long I feel like 150%. Besides about 10 pounds of weight loss (which is a lot for my small frame), I was physically back to normal.

Divorce Finalizes with Sweetness

Court hearing was around this time to finalize the divorce. Facing him after last seeing him so many months ago, when I’d been used to seeing his face every day for seven years…It made my day when I came home to find a mailed card from him. It was October. It was a Halloween card telling me how he knew I loved Halloween. It was a loving and nostalgic reminder of our years together and the fact I got it that very day when we would face each other to legitimately ‘divorce,’ was metaphysically perfect.

Job Finalizes with a Metaphysical Manifesting of my Karma

Early February 2006 – It had become a hardship. I’d never planned on remaining in that department – thinking that a different department would make me ‘supposed’ to be cut out for the corporate workforce – and they continued to promise to fix the ways certain things were handled. I loved the people and the company. It just wasn’t my nature yet I kept going.

On Friday: I kept going until February when I had an odd (HSP) response to too many people talking to me at once and too much pressure in one space; a ‘too much is happening here’ hyperventilating incident (anxiety attack). I had earlier volunteered to work late but after my break (after the ‘break’) I came back to see a very diplomatically worded and caring sticky from my boss who told me to not work late but to take care of myself. People who hate a place don’t often volunteer to work late. Right? But still, going against my inherent nature.

Then Saturday: making the bed after laundering the linens like I’d done a million times before, on this day, I would I pinch a nerve in my lower back rendering me p-a-i-n-e-d in the body. “Okay. Well let’s see how immobilizing your back works.”

On Monday: I really thought I could be better in a few days so I called them and told them what I’d done to myself. But by Wednesday I think is when I finally went to a doctor. IN short order, I never went back. It took months for my back to get to 50% and another year or so before I’d see 90% improvement.

The Universe. The whole nature setup. Karma. Manifestation from the inside to the outside or the outside to the inside. What you do comes back…What you give out comes back. BACK. B-A-C-K. My BACK told me to come BACK to myself.

Final Reflections on Manifesting and Karma

I used to flip a boyfriend off behind his back when he was being a grouch. I did it with my left middle finger. I don’t know where I picked it up but I just got into this kick of doing it…I’d done it maybe four times and wondered why my middle finger felt sore…but only for a second. Then I realized. Quit doing it and the pseudo-arthritis went away.

Louise Hay You Can Heal Your LifeSpiritually, the universe offers me my intuitive voice and my intuitive knowing. It’s up to me to heed the voice. Sometimes I can mask mine in denial. [ie, “It’s not that bad.”] Usually I mask mine with “what others think I ought to do.”

I remember one particularly emotionally painful day after I hurt my back, meeting a friend. She gave me the permission I knew that Spirit had tried to deliver: “You may not be cut out for working on the outside.” She was absolutely right. Every universal sign was pointing at it and I continued because I thought I should.

It was the same when I got married. Mimi died the day before she KNEW I was to be married. Honest-to-God I think she timed it that way on purpose. She did it to say, “Stop it.” But I did not stop it. I did it and immediately knew I needed a U-Turn.

This is why I think Highly Sensitive People and/or Multisensory and/or People Sensitive to Manifesting might love Codependent Recovery. People like us may have gifts or curses (however you look at it) that boomerang back onto us if we’re not living in our authenticity. And Codie Recovery teaches us how to undo the illusions preventing our recognition of the authenticity.

This article is the “prequel” to Stop and Feel the Fear. Illness in 2005/2006 was the largest clue my life was off-center and the main large-chunked component finally leading me to eventual Salvation – for lack of a better word.

Last Updated June 29, 2012

Last Updated July 29th, 2015 : 10 years after the Anniversary of my Mimi’s death which is probably synchronicity.

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