Not Everyone Should Like Me
Everyone Should Like Me. Should Everyone Like Me?
Get rid of the should and look at the reality: “Does everyone like me?” Now think about that for a second. Have you ever encountered anyone who seemed to not like you?
Now despite the answer, if I think (this mysterious and elusive) ‘everyone’ should like me then it seems reasonable I hold myself up to the same inquiry. I mean, I am part of this ‘everyone’ after all.
Should I Like Everyone?
Reality whispers, “Do I Like Everyone?”
There is a secret being perpetuated that I do not hear people talk about; I do not hear adults tell kids, friends tell friends, or parents tell children that it is okay to not be liked. And yet it’s a foundation of Truth and Reality as well as Sanity. So, if you still need to live in illusion to feel safe then, okay, but this piece will not be about making friends with illusions.
The Truth of Like and Dislike
Truth #1: Not everyone likes you.
Truth #2: Not everyone will like you.
Truth #3: Not everyone is supposed to like you!
These declarations are only in general. But if we have to go in with a guideline, better one geared toward Reality. It will assure you greater happiness because you’ll be coming from a position of truth as opposed to illusion and then being turned upside down when the illusion cracks.
Let’s Take them One by One to Start with
Truth #1: Not everyone likes you. (Not everyone likes me.) Again, when I say ‘you’ or ‘me’ I mean the thoughts of our personalities by another personality. I just mean it as commonly as it sounds. So with that said, unless you’re a troll living alone in a cave and do not know anyone, someone probably doesn’t care for you. And if you do not see where people do not like you, that is even MORE beautiful and a great topic for another day! So if you can remember a person who disliked you or dislikes you now, great! Keep reading.
Truth #2: Not everyone WILL like you. Isn’t this wonderful? Do you have any idea the freedom you will have when you just go on ahead and accept that not everyone WILL like you? You’ve done a few things here…
- You’ve let yourself off the hook for trying to get certain personalities to like you.
- You’ll spend your time discovering who YOU are instead of who you think you need to be.
- You’ll quit with the preoccupation of wondering if people like you.
- You’ll stay within the realm of YOUR own thinking – and let other people keep theirs.
- You will know a new freedom and a new happiness. I promise!
Truth #3: Not everyone is even SUPPOSED to like you! “How do you know this is true?” Can you think of someone who did or does dislike you? Or can you think of someone you dislike? Great. And that is how I know it is true; Because it is. Philosophically speaking, I am not ‘supposed’ to like the person I DO dislike because I have a deeper Truth to discover within my Spirit. And the reason someone dislikes you [in the great Spiritual Truth of it all] is for you to get to a deeper Truth about yourself.
- Perhaps learning to shine your light despite it?
- Perhaps learning to find your true voice?
- Maybe going deep into yourself to find courage?
- Maybe, for the codependent prone, to learn how to quit selling themselves out.
- Maybe, for newly realized HSP’s, to witness an action that validates the dislike and to be yourself anyway
HSP Validation: Someone disliked me once upon a time. I felt it and I knew it but I liked her just fine. She friended me on social media sites and would speak to me ‘warmly’ and because we had people in common I overlooked my ‘feeling’ and actually questioned it. It was a wonderfully affirming and validating day when she made an openly hostile [name-calling + sarcasm] remark to me in front of many mutual friends on Facebook. My beloved was confused at reading her statement and probably more confused at my joy of it. As I let the comment stand, instead of deleting it, I wanted to test the HSP of me [mainly seeing if I had it right in the first place]: “Watch this, ” I told him. “She’s going to have to delete that herself or de-friend me. And because so many people are responding to it (against her) she’ll have to do the de-friend. Watch.” And she did. She de-friended me and that was honest. She disliked me. And I have to be honest; It felt great.
Some Reasons People May Not Like You or You May Not Like Certain People
I know it’s hard to understand in this world of ‘political correctness’, politeness, and ‘we should like everyone’ and of course, the nursery lie that ‘life should be fair’ but it’s the truth, and I like you enough to tell you the Truth. I know the big problem you might be thinking, “What is there NOT to like? I’m awesome!” And yes, you are. And of course I like you. But let’s pretend I don’t. Let’s also pretend I’m an average person with average tendencies, thoughts, opinions, instead of you – who is clearly above average. Here might be some stupid and not so stupid reasons, in Truth, that your personality [not YOU] may be “disliked”. I quantify personality from you because you are more than your personality; The personality [which i include as your body manifestation] is just what ‘average’ [ie, ‘most’] people ‘see’ or think they see.
- Genetics/cellular memory/memory/evolution. This one I am pretty serious about although it seems completely stupid. :) I notice I hate on sight people with weak chins. I doubly hate on sight people with weak chins and a particular nose shape that goes with that weak chin. This is true. Turns out my ancestors used to war with a certain tribe who had weak chins. Maybe this tribe tried killing us off – I don’t know. But my cellular memory or evolution or DNA naturally and without any fault on your part, has me dislike you cause of your weak chin so I stay away; Because I am ‘average’ I attach to this thought without investigation or getting to KNOW you and, furthermore, I turn YOU into your body. [See #5]
- I did you a great harm (or think I did). Either through my own shame/guilt [my ego protects ME] I transfer the hate onto you ~or ~ external consequences like maybe I was punished by an authority [again, my ego protects ME] I blame you for my suffering. I take no responsibility, you see, so I hate you because it was your fault. [See #5]
- You did me a great harm (or think you did). [This is a tricky one as my ego rears it’s head and says, “THIS dislike is justified!”] Remember, I am an average person so whether you did do me a great harm OR it’s in my imagination…understand that my dislike for you will not distinguish between the two. [See #5]
- I have envy of you. You have beautiful clothes and my parents are poor. I see that with your stylish clothes you have popularity and opportunities. I see your pretty face and I know I am not attractive so I will never get a boyfriend. One girl I hated because she was quiet and got away with it! The nerve of HER. I tried being myself which was non-talkative and the girls on the bus threw things at me and I had to fist fight and gain a scrapper reputation before I could live in peace. I hated that girl for getting away with that. [See #5]
- In all cases, “I have a thought about you I do not like.” (Or I think I do.)
Mistaking you for my thoughts: These are all concerned with thoughts I have; Thoughts I have. And where are you in that? Mowing your lawn? Changing a diaper? Tending to an injured dog? Doing charity work? Reading a book? These thoughts do not concern you at all and how do I know that? Cause while images (images i call ‘you’) of you (see?) dance through my head, you are mowing your lawn, changing a diaper, tending to an injured animal, doing charity work or otherwise… you know, being you. However, I am sure you know this already because you operate from a higher awareness than I do. I am still mistaking you for my thoughts. And when I have hurt feelings because you dislike me, I am mistaking my thoughts for you (again).
Why I Dislike or Hate You
In my adopted persona, I really do think my thoughts are about you! Examples.
- a.) You remind me of my babysitter who beat me when I was 8. So if you look like her, I hate your guts. I am operating from survival here but it will not matter; I dislike you. And as long as I do not investigate that thought, I might develop an internal sickness due to this dislike/hate turning into a monster.
- b.) I stole your $50 when you asked me to wait in your room. I know you know I did it so why do you act like you still like me? You’re two-faced and that makes you a liar! [This one is highly irrational but when our ego comes to our defense, it’s not concerned with rational.]
- c.) You started that rumor about me (or I think you did, but if you ask me it’s cause I KNOW you did) and I hate you. Also, you stole my $50 and I know it was you because it was there before I asked you to wait for me in my room.
- d.) You got that promotion I worked so hard for. You are probably sleeping with the boss. You set the curve in College Philosophy and I bet you’re dating the Professor. She’s prettier than me so I bet she wants my boyfriend! He has more motorcycles than I do; He’s an asshole.
The Ego Protects Our Illusions. The Super-Ego Protects our Ego.
Envy and jealousy is the ego’s purest and most honest expression of itself so I want to talk about envy and jealousy for a second. Anger is just used by it to cover up real stuff. We might think we’re ‘honestly’ angry – because we tell the story we are ‘angry’ – but below that anger is a threat. Every time. Anger is not a ‘bad’ emotion; In the recognition of anger, there is an opportunity to dig deeper and once and for all root out that story you have that produces that particular provocation. So because I have no problem with anger as the fruit, I want to look at a particular root.
The problem with envy [#4 and example d.] is that the ego REALLY does cover this one from our consciousness. It REALLY gets justified by our ego almost with layers upon layers of superfluous crap so that we cannot see it for what it is. If we want to destroy envy – which is EASILY the most insidious and resentment causing feeling [and resentment causes all of its own sort of destructive parties – physically, emotionally, psychically, mentally, socially]…we really do need to work on recognizing the ego’s tricks. Envy or jealousy will NEVER state the obvious like “He has more motorcycles than I do, therefore I envy him and that’s why I think he is an asshole.” No… it uses layering while hiding the truth. So look for that if you are looking for freedom. And then of course the solution – after you find the truth of your envy – is to recognize that your ego is insecure ~ in all cases ~ AND that the easiest way to silence this trick of the ego is to, for example, make friends with the one your ego is trying to get you to hate.
The Ego is tricky. In my personal philosophy, when I have an uncomfortable thought I immediately call it a lie/illusion. And going in this way, I can uncover to the Truth which always brings peace & comfort. Sometimes it’s hard, of course…and often I am not spurred on EXCEPT by great discomfort. SO if I find myself REALLY disliking someone, I have work to do. Cause it’s ALWAYS about me. Not sometimes. ALWAYS.
When My Dislike of Someone Hurts Me
Or When My Thoughts of the Story I am Telling Myself Hurt Me
To even acknowledge that our dislike of someone – if strong enough that we may even call it hate – is hurting us and not the other person, is quite evolved.
I had a child over one day who was mad. She did not like the other child anymore and so she threw a tantrum. She wanted someone – me presumably – to fix the ‘other child’ so that she could like her again. I did not. What I did was empathize with the child and told her she was allowed to feel angry in this house and it was okay. I was quite proud of my ‘non-fixed child’ when she continued to treat the angry one with the same love, friendship, and respect she had been treating her before this other one began her ‘dislike.’ Side Note: The guest child was angry because ‘mine’ was not doing what the other one wanted. :)
I am the actor on this stage called my life, just as you are the central actor in yours. In your world, I am just a player, a supporting cast member at best. So that when I dislike you, the star of your show, for you to internalize this and change your script because of it, is just silly, isn’t it? What might not be as silly are those feelings we suffer with when we dislike someone ‘too much’. And these might be worth exploring if you attach to them or take them seriously. (See Byron Katie The Work Lens or my Work of Byron Katie blog for an easy 4 step process to release stressful thoughts.)
The Unseriousness of Disliking Me
And the Unseriousness of My Disliking You
I welcome your dislike of me. Please do. I have a million reasons for you to dislike or ‘hate’ me. And for each one I could suggest, plenty of people would take me up on the offer. I won’t take it seriously or personally because I know that not only are your thoughts your business, but that your thoughts are what you are disliking and your mind has tricked you into thinking your ‘thoughts about me’ are me. Of course, I will not accuse you of being completely insane when you feel like you need to make it my business that you dislike me. Or maybe I will.
When I Dislike You
If I dislike a person, I don’t take it very seriously. I’ve tried to. I’ve even said, “Oh I hate such and such a person!” I am so funny; As if the fact I use even stronger language will make it somehow more solidified. I do it as a practice to fully feel my emotions in any given situation since I figure I am playing this character with emotions and thoughts who once thought they were real live breathing entities. When I was HSP UNActualized, I really thought I was the wave. I really did. I REALLY thought the machinations of my brain were real in the sense that I was at the whim of the ocean and for each wave swell I was, that was all I was. Coming into my being has me appreciate I am always the ocean so that I can ride my waves…and play in them too! So I do. And I do not take dislike seriously. And like I’ve said, when I have taken it seriously, I get to The Work or I do a 4th Step or I mock my ego or I otherwise start with “What is it about me, here?” Cause yeah. Still. It’s always about me.
Examine the Fear of Being Disliked
So let’s just dive on into the problem and get to the root of why some of us do not want to be disliked; Or why some of us suffer great emotional upset when we discover or think or suspect or imagine we are actively being disliked.
Let’s pretend I dislike you. I decide that I want to make it your business that I dislike you and you don’t know the reason. [If you knew the reason you might try to talk me out of it which is the same as making you okay. And the point of this is for you to be okay in the face of dislike.] I walk up to you and state: “I dislike you very much.” And I walk away. Are you annihilated? Oh of course not because you have nothing attached to the thought of me in the first place AND I did not make it your fault AND I did not abuse or try to abuse you. All I did was say some words. [And isn’t this freedom?] For a billion different people in the world there are only three basic emotional/feeling taxonomies in the face of that: good, neutral, or bad and it’s the ‘bad’ – by definition – that feels yucky so this is what I’m addressing.
- We’re scared that ‘dislike’ will annihilate us. It won’t. Unless we attach the boogeyman to it. And if we do, welcome the annihilation and see what happens.
- We’re scared that ‘dislike’ means abuse. It does not. Abuse means abuse.
- We’re scared this might mean abuse later. Detach. Leave. Do not associate. If your intuitive mind is flashing red, pay attention. If you have unresolved trauma or PTSD that equates dislike to abuse, see the next suggestion.
- We’re scared of confrontation of dislike. Due to past trauma or sensitive personalities getting bullied or hurt as kids, I think this is a HUGE one. This one was my primary problem. [Suggestion: Read this series and this article and consider the article suggestion; Getting a friend or two together and make a weekly meeting with Codie’s Guide Through the 12 Steps.]
- We’re scared we won’t get what we think we want or we will lose something we have. We want our boss to like us because our well-being is wrapped up in making money. We don’t want to dislike our roommates friends because it might mean the lifestyle we’re used to is put at risk. The Reality is, we are not minding if we dislike someone or if others dislike us; We are concerned with what that means.
- We think something is ‘wrong’ with us. Nothing is wrong with you. How I know: Because ‘wrong’ is an error. An error is a mistake. A mistake means there is a ‘correct’ version of you floating around somewhere else that ‘should’ be here. And you’re not ‘floating around somewhere else shoulding’ to be here. You ARE here.
When I was a child, teenager, and a very young adult my greatest fear was someone disliking me. Generally, I genuinely liked all people so it further confused me when someone wanted to bully or hurt me due to their apparent dislike of me. As a result, I grew up thinking dislike meant abuse. Dislike meant confrontation. Dislike meant an unpleasant situation. In a phrase, “Dislike meant fear.”
It was put in my spirit to write this when I was speaking to a friend and I told her I disliked her friend but then followed up with, “And you know this means I don’t REALLY ‘dislike’ him. It does not mean anything. I don’t care that I dislike him.” And she said, “Oh I know.” And I love that she knows me like that. :)
Sanity means that no matter my thoughts, feelings or emotions, they’re just fine and I am still okay. I am not as okay, though, as I would like to be when I begin to take them so seriously or start attaching all sorts of ‘meaning’ to them so that I hurt myself with them.
Ideas: Working through “A Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps” might be an awesome step in the right direction if you are prone to this. Or maybe Byron Katie would be more your style. Or perhaps watching some of Gangaji’s satsangs might get you there. But regardless of how you get there, I encourage you to get there. I am here and it is freedom.
Today I can say to myself, “Oh yeah. She dislikes me.”
And offer her a cup of coffee anyway while not taking my thought seriously.