Stop and Feel the Fear

Submitted by on Tuesday, April 11, 20068 Comments

Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I was thinking about something I’d been going through recently and how it managed to solve itself. I thought of the people who had helped me. It seems everyone who was helping me had rallied one common cry, “Let the fear pass through you.” Problem with that is that in their warrior cry, I had no idea what they were talking about. I had no fear. I was just suffering and in a spiritual crisis.

But I ruminated their thoughts, and absorbed the truth of their statements and well offered help. Yes, I would agree. Fear is an insidious thief. It robs us and blinds us to matters of greater import. It procrastinates me and stymies me. It’s an invisible blindfold that will cause me to think it’s everything or anything else in the world but what it is. It’s a real bastard that fear.

MimiSo Sunday April 02nd, for the first time since Mimi’s death [July 2004] I would hop in the car last minute, after an entire day of lake sports, and travel round trip 80 or so miles to spend 15 minutes with her at the cemetery. This day it had all come crashing down and I couldn’t face it another second. Still, today, right now as my heart beats I have no idea what “it” was. But fear is what I will assign it.

After her death in July 2004, I got married to my long time significant other, the day after. Then I travelled to my friend’s in another state. I would come home and unpack that same day. Pam would know and tell me I was running from something. I couldn’t see it and I couldn’t stop, if I were. I would Sabbatical to my parents, as I always did, and stay there for about a month. I would come back, meet a friend romantically, and move out from my 8 year relationship a month later back to my parents. This was in April of 2005. I moved back to the state and in with my paramour at the end of May and would?later finalize the divorce. In the meantime, started working in a “regular career” that I had never done before, and having extreme emotional suffering due to the loss of my family [Molly {d}, Naji {c}, Bridget {c}, Carmen {c}, and Kingston {c} ~ I was able to keep the fish] and having nightmares that my ex was suffering. I would become emotionally and physically very sick in 2005. Finally, bio-cellular memory, karma, universal energy, and unresolved issues and how anniversaries manifest in my life, it all came to a head.

Spiritually I was pissed off. Nightmares and astral projection threats of hell and demons were a constant reminder. A panic attack at work and the following weekend a pinched nerve in my back would have me not at work even until today. I would question every move I’d made and know that without a doubt I was in hell. There was no escaping it. I’d made my bed. I’d handled my break up poorly. I had been unskilled at handling this “new career,” and my new romantic partner in crime…? We fought terribly. I wondered what was this? I left what I knew and here I am. What in the hell? I began thoughts of suicide knowing I’d failed as a human. And before the gasps of “oh my” settle in, let me assure you, gentle reader, I do not view suicide as the ever-loving end. After all, when in spiritual hell – as a physical being – what does one do?

So on this day April 02nd, alone on my path I went. I made phone calls to close friends crying in desperation as I made my way to Mimi’s. I left the phone numbers of important people with my friends “in case anything happened” such as a car accident since this journey was a lone one and I’d not told anyone where I was going. I didn’t quite know why I was going except that I’ve learned in my process that when my path goes awry, remember when it wasn’t. Where had I taken a bad turn? I’d reconciled myself through the past year that had I not married my long time partner in an effort to avoid grieving Mimi, I could have simply felt the pain and grieved her. I had made plans to end my relationship with him months earlier so marrying him was absolutely the first act I would take in my downward spiral. Yes fear.

NajiAfter spending time with Mimi and during, I wept. I asked forgiveness from God. I made a plea that I’d suffered enough. I begged for my sanity to be restored, that I couldn’t keep on. I prayed and I wished well for my past life to be forgiven and released back to the past. I prayed for the family I’d left and for Naji, my first raised, who had died only a couple of months after I’d left. I left Mimi’s grave with a sense of ease and comfort I hadn’t known for a long time. A few things have happened since then that I can only describe as karma releasing.

No nightmares or unwanted astral hell. No dreams about fishtanks [where a search on Google will reveal that to be a manifestation of a spiritual need]?, or my family or ex suffering. No current thoughts of “Why am I here?” or “I’ve screwed up beyond repair!” or “Up yours God.” God and I have had this relationship which I will delve into later but for now I want to convey that fear is the enemy. Fear is the demon. It is not to be downplayed, overlooked, or ignored. It will manifest one way or another.

My ultimate fear had manifested into denial. Which led to guilt, shame, self-hate, God-hate, doubt, uncertainty, confusion. It had come from forgetting that God allows mistakes. Intellectually I knew it but I had done nothing about it. I went around saying all the right things to myself that I did not really believe. I’d not had a real talk with the universal conciousness of my Self. Secretly I blamed God for “allowing” things to unfold as they did when, in the reality of every event that came to pass, God was telling me “Slow down.”

See. I’m a runner. If there’s a deep emotion I run. I fear commitment to anything that may take 20 minutes and the surest way for me to end something is to get committed to it. I take the Buddhist practice of detachment seriously. However, I do not take the Buddhist practice of feeling the feelings and mindfulness as they come over me. Point 02 seconds before the occurence I start the run. And when I run, nothing short of a severe karmic wall can stop me. It’s painful and I’m not a good martyr. My eyes get puffy and my face swells and the way I cry is kind of a heaving hiccough sound to begin with. It’s just unpleasant for the audience.

It was a lifecycle and yet another experience to be sure. I want you, gentle reader, to make me a promise. I want you to be mindful of your fear. Do you start running? Do you start drinking? Do you grab the chocolate and before you know it have consumed half the bag? Do you inflict intentional pain on yourself? Can you think back to when you did do things like this? Can you, as hindsight being the remarkable eyesight it is, see what your fear was now?

Or were your signs more universal? Getting sign after sign but you ignored them? Getting sick? Unintentionally hurting yourself? Car crashes? Did not get the promotion at work you were expecting? Using negative self-talk?

God speaks to us. It’s no mystery or puzzle. God is not the enigma. We are. We ignore, avoid, run. God makes it quite plain no matter your path. You may justify it, deny it, cover it up, or hope so bad it to be different you let it go unnoticed but the signs are there. In my case, this time, I was running too fast to see. Next time, I hope to be able to feel the fear, stop, and listen. I did that when I finally visited Mimi and I was reborn.


Special thanks to some truly beautiful Stumble friends who probably have no idea, may have no idea, or may not exactly know to the extent, how very much they helped me or were helping me during this particular time just by being themselves: Slowhand, SpiritWhiteEagle, LuxPropane, Plu, CeltSalt, RobinEdgar, and LJThomas. I want to offer a humble thank you. To?the few I asked specifically for guidance and to those who unknowingly offered to me their self for me to grow in understanding. Love, Light, and Blessings to each of you. God has blessed me. And to 4thDimension, for meeting me where I am, when I finally arrived at that place. I love you.



  • scottage said:

    Thanks for stopping by, and amazing site. Really cool look to it.

  • samsara (author) said:

    Thanks Scott :) Saw that you had the Gospel of Judas in a scroll box @ your site. I have a great interest in the Gnostic Gospels and just discovered myself a couple days ago it existed.

    Wonder if he stopped and felt the fear? :)

    …and PS. Tried to Blogroll you. Your script must be off…twas the 2nd time I received an error. Get that fixed!

  • april said:

    What a beautiful site. Thanks for stopping by. You have a great story and I am so glad you share it.

  • samsara (author) said:

    Thank you April. Thank you for sharing *yours.* :)

  • scottage said:

    Hey Samsara,

    I tested the script, seems to be working. Let me know if you still have problems. May have just been one of those days where Blogroll is on the fritz.


  • samsara (author) said:

    Thanks for reporting that back Scott. I got it.

  • samsara (author) said:

    …and YOU are whjy I write Jenny. PRECISELY this reason. So people, like me, who felt alone…don’t have to feel alone ever again. You will always remember that at least one person has been or is where you are at some point. :)

    Sorry no articles have been forthcoming lately. I manifested a house so I had to move into it. LoL…and then that manifestation left me with a lot of work!

    Next I am in process of moving this content to a new domain and adding a few more goodies to the site – like a forum where people can talk and post etc.

    I have a lot of work to get done if I hope to open 2008 with this new concept! Thanks for reading Jenny.

    Never alone. Never again.

    {{hugs to you}}

    Love, Peace, and Light.

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